As I was going through trinkets and things to include in my package for Sharon, I stumbled upon my first hardcover "journal", a book from the end of 2006 that I thought was gone to me. I honestly forgot this thing existed, all I remembered were some of the more important drawings and of course the re-written works inked inside. There's Polaroids of her, the baby, and a lot of little ramblings that appear to have been written by a different person (even the ones by me).
I think I'll include some of the more pathetic parts at the bottom of this entry.
I've lost 12 pounds in the last 11 or so days- this time not through phoney depression or a form of starvation. I'm actually eating right and exercising. Though I can't see this being a permanent lifestyle change. I eat well for a while so that I can eat shitty for a longer while. I guess it's self-preservation, me and my Whoppers.
Sharon is coming to Vegas in October, I am really excited about it. She's very different than any of the girls I typically go for. She isn't a sad-ass.
"41327" (code for 04/13/2007 I assume)
And just like that I am back
at the house. Things are over with
an overwhelming exclamation point.
I do not miss her as of this word,
but I fear what time is going to
do to me. I'll forget how awful our
relationship was and the disdain with
which she treated me. I'l remember
"the beginning" and use her pregnancy
as an excuse for our recent
troubles (which actually add up to more
than half of our actual relationship).
I know this will happen, yet I
cannot avoid it.
Should I fight for my baby?
Will she swallow lysol?
Some questions read oddly while written.
I should save money & prepare for Rosemary.
Or atleast for "the battle of Rosemary."
- (signature)
I get excited at the thought of a new lover.
(shitty face drawing)
This stuff is silly to relive. But the line about "forgetting how awful everything was" has been in my head since I wrote that. Stuff like this is interesting to me, I probably wrote all of this shit knowing that it'd end up public. Without my handwriting, it's a little less embarrassing.
On the next page I have quotes from Chels, a checklist (Fix Bank Acct, Buy New Shoes, etc), and thoughts on my new (at the time) overnight shift.
I cleaned the entire room "yesterday" and set up the
bassinet pack n' play. Everything looks great.
That thing sat in the room for a while. There's some really pathetic quotes that will never see the light of day. I really had no idea of the true situation during that first month. I had no idea of any new relationships/engagements, the fact that I'd be in jail within' three weeks, or any of it. Considering all of this, it's even more interesting to see the information for obtaining my G.E.D outlined on the next page, and less interesting- a list of "careers".
"I can't touch this anymore."
I think that's the last thing I wrote. Earlier in the book is a "SAHD" page (Stay At Home Dad). It should just say "lazy prick". There's some phone numbers I might use for the show, an original Heroes drinking game, and a lot of letters to eachother.
Dear Kevin - you have just drawn on my postcard, very unartistically. Didnt your mother teach you not to draw on valuables, such as walls? I am supposing you make me laugh more than any other person, so I cant blame you for being so strange. You are drawing a photograph of (fatface) which is a horrible likeness to (some guy) sitting next to me. Lastnight you were so cute in your exhaustion. I want to see you like that everynight. Let us see, let us see. Love, your wife.
There's another entire page from 02/12/2007 called "Falserhood" which is very telling. Though I'll probably just save that, and post the sonnet that came of it.
Sonnet I.
How do I become a hat wearing man?
Can I buy an after market male head?
I've been dressed in a hood by a woman-
Now I help those in need to be spoonfed.
Trust and fun traded for daughter and son?
Happily! Even w/ hood over eyes.
For trust and fun will naturally come
as her and I grow- even growing blond.
Me comparing clowns to some old hat
is like comparing clowns to their balloons.
Though they all turn hair stand, standing, and stood
Only one can stay retired 'til noon.
We all know earthquakes do not create homes
Unless they have ten fingers and ten toes.
I still dig that, the iambic pentameter made that shit take a week.
Anyway, I figured I'd document this unexpected discovery. It still gives me a bit of a queasy feeling, but that's based on the legal garbage. That stuff always makes me nervous to think about.
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