June, 2007

I am beginning to study for the GED, which means I had to dig out the old journal (which has essentially turned into a math book). I was reading through an old page that isnt dated, but is from around early to mid June of last year. I figured I'd transcribe, underlines + crossouts and all.

+++++++++++

"The P(scribbled).

Talking to S--a brought me right back to April.
I'm not okay if she is around or calling. I'm not over it.
The only way she could possibly see me "being okay" is through the blog.
Pictures dont lie, the bday was great.

She's married, I'm still in legal shit - it is what it is.
I can't help her get over it - it's not fair that I be used for
that when I am still fucked up for it.
I'm lucky the judge even let me out.
I finally forcefed myself lastnight- the first time since hearing
the news.
I don't even know if I know the good wishes I send, I am
annoyed by them.

I will be over it if she makes these charges not happen.
If they tell her they can get me to pay her bills
so she goes through w/ it
or if I become a felon
it'll be unforgiveable.

How is this forgiveable?"

---

"I just caught myself day-dreaming
an awful fantasy
Is that what I want?"

---

"I was all in"
"I have the disaposable cam from the picnic night."

---

"Call the jail."

---

"ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
i form bonds
& build trust
with lifeless objects
over a bowl of flavored chex

'cool your spoon!'
i shout at chocolate town"

---

"I AM THE SUM OF YOURSELF & YOUR DREAM

I AM SOLID

HE IS A WATERCOLOR
HE WASHES OFF"

---

"uncomfortable
apart"

+++++++++++

"What fucking Ian guy?"

There has been a subject that I've intentionally avoided on this blog.

As of a month and a half ago, I was to be wed to a woman who was pregnant with my child.

As of just under one month ago, she was wed to an older private investigator.

I don't know what's more shocking- the fact that they had their honeymoon in less than 30 days after her and I had broken up, or that it took me this long to hear the news.

When she and I got together, she was obsessed with marrying me within' a week. Given my stance on marriage (elaborated upon a few entries ago)- it was delayed, but still a plan. I got her a $700 dollar wedding ring- yes, I know I can't afford that, that's why my phone rings every five minutes from Quebec- a ring that is either still lost, pawned, or the new guy's for all I know.

After all of the speeches, all of the bullshit- it is recycled and regurgitated onto a new sap's lap. I heard it all from this one... and believed it.

Now I have no doubts about the cheating, and most importantly I have no doubts about the woman.

There is a good chance I will have the next seven years of my life tarnished over said woman as well, due to nonsensical charges and a female's court room.

I can't even be satisfied by her inevitable divorce- because I know she'll just be given money as the marriage prize.

And to think one of the more painful things for me was hearing her thoughts that we moved too fast.

For all that's going on in my head... I got nothing to type. I'm not going to let this situation turn me into Dr. Cox.

Unlike the others involved, my life will be put back together. My child will be a love child. My spouse will not be a rebound. I will graduate, and I will begin my climb of this wonderful system we call capitalism.

I wish you all nothing but happiness.