Satellite Of Love.

Watching that video, I get the twelve-year-old girl feeling. An image of a big wedding with family, friends, microphones, performances, and most importantly- smiles with starry eyes. No prenuptial agreement thoughts, second guesses, or drive-thrus... just pure devotion. I'm not taking shots at anybody who has done it differently, if you're married and happy then that is beautiful. I just see my marriage on a grand scale, and that statement means a lot considering my former, very vocal views on the subject.

Marriage is a definite risk, and I am not referring to the statistics, my parents, or your parents. I still feel the same as I ever did as pertains to divorce laws and biased courtrooms. I just know myself a little better, and I know that I will meet somebody (maybe a few somebody's) whom I will care more about than my computer, or my dvd collection, or any possession. A person that is worth the risk.

Today, I watch the East Side Dave/Casey Elan wedding production very emotionally. Not so much because I feel as though my engagement should have become a marriage, but because I anticipate meeting the woman that I will share a true engagement with. One I will willingly write vows for, not depressing poems about escape and isolation. It's an inspiring ceremony to watch.

The rest of the show was very well done, Fez was the best he's been in months, Stalker Patti did her Patti Smith bit, and J-Dubs made an appearance.

There is a new Jim & Them video online, for those of you seeking the funny:

She's watching the detectives.

Drink: Steel Reserve

To the woman whom just called me:

The last phrase you said to me, which I was responding to for at least three minutes after you hung up, was completely out of line.

Why am I doing this to you? In regards to me talking to a good friend whom I just so happen to meet through you? He and I are buddies, have been- regardless of how or when we met.

For your information, I was nothing but positive when I talked to the sister. My exact words: "Is she happy? (kinda) Great, that's all that matters. Tell her, well she wont want to hear it, but I'll tell her through you- I hope she stays happy."

One of us is going through legal hell. The other is 'happily' married with a child.

The statement "Why are you doing this to me?" is completely out of place. What you need to be asking is "Why does his desire for a child make me cry?"

Like I said to her, I hope you stay happy. But there were many telling signs in our one hour conversation that say this will not happen. As an atheist, I still pray that things work for you two (not him, I mean you and the device that holds ships in place).

Things really didn't turn out as we thought when we were filling out apps, eh?

"What fucking Ian guy?"

There has been a subject that I've intentionally avoided on this blog.

As of a month and a half ago, I was to be wed to a woman who was pregnant with my child.

As of just under one month ago, she was wed to an older private investigator.

I don't know what's more shocking- the fact that they had their honeymoon in less than 30 days after her and I had broken up, or that it took me this long to hear the news.

When she and I got together, she was obsessed with marrying me within' a week. Given my stance on marriage (elaborated upon a few entries ago)- it was delayed, but still a plan. I got her a $700 dollar wedding ring- yes, I know I can't afford that, that's why my phone rings every five minutes from Quebec- a ring that is either still lost, pawned, or the new guy's for all I know.

After all of the speeches, all of the bullshit- it is recycled and regurgitated onto a new sap's lap. I heard it all from this one... and believed it.

Now I have no doubts about the cheating, and most importantly I have no doubts about the woman.

There is a good chance I will have the next seven years of my life tarnished over said woman as well, due to nonsensical charges and a female's court room.

I can't even be satisfied by her inevitable divorce- because I know she'll just be given money as the marriage prize.

And to think one of the more painful things for me was hearing her thoughts that we moved too fast.

For all that's going on in my head... I got nothing to type. I'm not going to let this situation turn me into Dr. Cox.

Unlike the others involved, my life will be put back together. My child will be a love child. My spouse will not be a rebound. I will graduate, and I will begin my climb of this wonderful system we call capitalism.

I wish you all nothing but happiness.

I hear the bells...

Music: "Let It Be... Naked" - The Beatles

Scrubs has been a very important part of my last three or four years. There have been many weeks' weekends spent watching full seasons in consecutive hours- exposing new viewers and sometimes just to satisfy a personal need or create an escape.

This season continued Scrubs' trend in running directly parallel with life's misfortunes. John Dorian's pregnancy related issues, along with Elliott's marriage and the effects these character's issues have on one another has been all too easy to relate to. The difference? These characters are doctors, these characters are thirty years old. My position contains a few more problems as pertains to having children and getting married.

That's what really gets me. How serious was I?

It is a bit frightening to think about how close I came.

Now, make no mistake about it- marriage is never the correct decision. That is a belief I will forever stand behind, now with complete confidence. Feminists should really take a look at the marriage laws before they go complaining and not wearing bras over their rights. Hell, they might want to read over the entire justice system. It's a woman's court-room. You want the workplace? Well, for one, you already got it. But in return lets give the other gender equal rights, legally. The prenuptial agreement exists for a reason- and it's all we have, and remains the only thing that might get me to walk the aisle.

Have I ever loved? The above paragraph would lead anyone to believe I have never experienced the feeling. I don't believe I have. I've been engaged.

The entire concept of 'not enough time passing' works both ways, as feelings continue to exist on each extreme side of the emotional spectrum. However, even living through it, even saying the words... the doubt was there. Depending on who you talk to that could be completely natural, especially given the age. Given the age the words might mean that much more, as they are said against the powerful current that is everyone else's opinion (which may even be the reason behind the doubt). It can be interpreted any number of ways.

I do know that it would have been a mistake. This is not to say I have any regrets.

It also depends on what time you ask me, or what journal you read. I've felt enough pain to say I've loved, but I'm not sure I've experienced enough love to say it. I also have an oddly scientific belief that love cannot exist without reciprocation- as an electric current cannot exist without two sources. You really need to be given love (notice I didn't say 'accept') to feel, return it (the 'accepting' is part of the giving).

I really am full of excitement as pertains to this subject, it's not all "fuck marriage, blahhblah". I anticipate the future because of this subject. I cannot wait to meet new people, to ruin some lives and have my life left in shambles once again. This is why we're alive. Everyone should spend time in jail, and everyone should cheat on a significant other with that lucky person's best friend or sibling.

Just live your life, pick one out of the bunch, and die drinking a glass of chai tea they made for you.

Oh, and laugh a little bit.