Insane.

I called and made an appt. with the "telephonic counselors" that are provided for free to Wal-Mart associates. The appt. is in TWO WEEKS, which actually works- because it gives me time to possibly work this shit out on my own.

There are bouts with logic that take place every.... I'd say... ten minutes. The issues that I'm dealing with are not a SURPRISE, this isn't NEW NEWS. It's just more of a reality. And why?

I feel silly thinking about when I was sad-ass over old relationship garbage, but then again that happens every time a new relationship ends.

I just look at everybody and wonder how they're dealing without any problem. Shopping or driving or whatever distraction they're doing. People of every age confuse me. There's a 79 year old I work with that is more youthful than I am.

I feel the same way thinking about me a week ago. And back in February when I was just frolicking around the wake of a family member, talking about doing a live broadcast from a stranger's wake, and looking baffled at people who were showing emotion.

Not only is death anxiety real, but it is people's most profound source of concern. This anxiety is so intense that it generates many if not all of the specific fears and phobias people experience in everyday life. Fears of being alone or in a confined space, for example, are fears whose connections with death anxiety are relatively easy to trace, but so are the needs for bright lights and noise. It is more comfortable, more in keeping with one's self-image, to transform the underlying anxiety into a variety of smaller aversions.

According to Becker, much of people's daily behavior consists of attempts to deny death and thereby keep their basic anxiety under control. People would have a difficult time controlling their anxiety, though, if alarming realities continued to intrude and if they were exposed to brutal reminders of their vulnerability. Becker also suggested that this is where society plays its role. No function of society is more crucial than its strengthening of individual defenses against death anxiety. Becker's analysis of society convinced him that many beliefs and practices are in the service of death denial, that is, reducing the experience of anxiety. Funeral homes with their flowers and homilies, and the medical system with its evasions, are only among the more obvious societal elements that join with individuals to maintain the fiction that there is nothing to fear.

Die II.

So I'm surfing the internet, thinking about death, and this comes up...

Is there a less common word than hearst?

Die.

I love the guitar in this song.

Yes, I am reading articles that're coaching me on "the fear of death".

The past couple of days have been consumed by the thought. I've been analyzing it with every free moment. I can't get over the fact that everything is going to die.

All this negative focus leads to unhealthy consequences. An exaggerated fear of dying and phobias of growing old leads to a reluctance to make a will or make any plans for those we love whom we know will outlive us and a general ignorance of normal end of life options.

I've been asking everybody's opinion on death. I am basically a 12 year old.

I don't know what queued a sudden realization that darkness is coming. I'd rather not blame marijuana, because I'd like to believe it's a no-con pass time.

Find someone you trust, and tell them about your fear. Explain to them why you think you feel this way, and how long you've felt like this. Make sure it's someone you trust. It is recommended that you see a therapist if the phobia is extreme.

The only comfort I can find in the concept of dying is that George Carlin did it. It is an unescapeable event that even the people I respect most will also have to endure.

I understand the sillyness of an extreme fear of death, but I feel like mine is a rational one. It hasn't gotten to the point where every happy moment turns into "well I will still die"... yet, anyway.

There's even a couple of websites that want to exploit my fear for money or Jesus. And for that I give them an uncapitalized jesus.

However, right now we cannot do anything about dying, so there is no point fearing death itself. What kind of fear is useful?

Shed A Light On Love.

I saw Adventureland today and enjoyed it. It was predictable in the way that most films are, but it resurfaced my interest in Lou Reed and got my foot tappin' when Nick Lowe hit the speakers.

"Coney Island Baby" is a CD that I stumbled upon because it was  the only Lou Reed album that Best Buy carried, so naturally that was the only one I could steal that day. I love it, and a lot of the songs bring out an emotion of that time period for me. I just remember only hearing it either in the Best Buy Carfi speakers or in the vehicle driving with a baby seat in the back.

Lou Reed is the only musician that inspired me to make a cd for my brother. I hackily titled it "walk on the wild side" with a squiggly underline, and I'm pretty sure he never listened to it.

Lou Reed is a voice that rarely works live for me. He can sing it exactly as it is on the studio version (which he rarely does), yet looking at him perform the song makes the song seem more generic and a whole lot less creative. I dare you to find a good live version of any Velvet Underground song, besides this (embedding disabled by request, lame).

I guess there is something to be said for the production quality of his records, though really that's just a product of the time.

I'm extremely proud of this week's WHAR.

Grapevine.

"I Heard It Through The Grapevine" could very well be the first song I've ever heard (Michael Jackson tracks aside). It's also a song that I've recently made a case for being the greatest ever written.

I only write  this because "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" has been popping up all over my goddamn life recently, whether it be Myspace or Ron & Fez's show intro (and make no mistake about it, those two things are my life).

"Could be the greatest of all the Motown songs, Fezzy" - Ron Bennington.

So what else is going on in life?

The latest We Hit & Run is among my favorite ever, and Raising Canes is a spectacular post show meal-place. The new job is going beautifully, and I have a genuine respect for my GM.